5 Reasons Why There Should Be An Ibis Cull At Sydney University

Anyone who goes to the University of Sydney must surely have noticed that there seems to have been an explosion in the ibis population, and in their level of daring, over the last year. Just the other day, one attacked me (okay, it swooped past my head in a threatening manner causing me to scream and look like an idiot). So I’m going to take an unpopular stance here and side with St Paul’s College (gasp) in arguing that there should be an ibis cull at the university, for the following reasons:

1. Ibises (henceforth ibii), have beaks that can only have been intended for one purpose: to KILL
The most immediately obvious feature of an ibis is the disgustingly horrendous long beak that protrudes from its stupid little white bulbous head. Why any bird needs a beak that resembles an unfolded coat-hanger is beyond me, and there is no other bird in the bird world that has a beak this long and thin. Therefore they are unnatural and ibii should not be allowed to exist.

2. Ibii hang around bins – gross!
You only need to walk past that alleyway dumpster in the vicinity of Wesley College (again, gross) to see that ibii have a somewhat unnatural affinity for human refuse. At any given time there are at least 5-6 ibii rummaging inside this steel container of garbage, hunting for god knows what. Other examples include the bins outside Fisher Library. I don’t care if they’re looking for food and they’re hungry, it’s disgusting and it scares me away from using bins.

3. Ibii have no social skills
There is nothing worse than sitting down to eat lunch on the square than the sudden realisation that there is an ibis stalking towards you, intent on preparing its own lunch – YOUR BRAINS. Too many times, I’ve witnessed students innocently trying to enjoy their lunch only to be interrupted by an ibis that has no idea what personal space means. Turning your back on them or yelling at them to fuck off doesn’t work; so in addition to being possibly vicious and definitely unhygienic, they’re pretty damn rude. Also Wikipedia informs me an ibis is the last of all animals to take shelter before a storm hits, and the first to reappear after it’s over, and since storms are pretty much like terrorist attacks to the bird world, ibii must be either completely retarded or totally masochistic. Or both.

4. Ibii smell like death
If you’re going to say death doesn’t smell like anything, then you’ve never sat behind an ibis while it flapped its (pointless) wings. The gust of stale air that gets blown towards you on such an occasion is enough to make you wish you’d never been born. The fact that ibii smell so unbelievably foul, even when compared to other stray animals, leads me to my next point…

5. Ibii are probably from hell
Goats and dogs have been the animals most frequently characterised as being the creatures of hell, but unfairly so. With their evilly glinting black eyes, stale-smelling bodies, dagger-beaks and insatiable need to get up close to people to scare the fuck out of them, clearly ibii are the assistants of satan. If anyone is still in doubt about ibii probably coming from the depths hell, take a look at this ‘scarlet’ (i.e. devil-coloured) ibis typically found in South America:

He probably wants to eat your first born child

He probably wants to eat your first born child

I rest my case.

N

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5 responses to “5 Reasons Why There Should Be An Ibis Cull At Sydney University

  1. well-argued nic 🙂
    my main concern – is ibii a real word?

  2. It’s not in dictionary.com or even urbandictionary.com. So no. I made it up. I’d like to think my point remains valid though…

  3. I would like to point out that in the original draft Nicole used a phrase to the effect of “Ibii? Is that a word? Oh well they are henceforce to be known as ibii.” This was deemed an unneccesary concession so it was removed. I hope this preserves Nicole’s humility and attention to detail somewhat.

    E

  4. Pingback: An Open Letter to the University of Sydney « Two Twenty-Nothings

  5. This post is so mean and horrible. Leave them alone, they’re cute.

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