Tag Archives: ibis

An Open Letter to the University of Sydney

18 November 2009

The University of Sydney
City Road
Sydney NSW 2006

RE: Your inability to get your shit together

Dear University,

I am contacting you in reference to the recent years I have spent at this educational institution. I wish to point out a number of areas in which I think you could greatly improve the services you deliver to students who pay thousands of dollars for the privilege of this education, and as such have provided you with a brief outline of particular aspects in need of close attention.

Firstly, your administrative services: or should I say, non-services. I understand that admin functions have largely been outsourced to private firms. The consequences of doing so are only too apparent every single time a student such as myself is shunted from one faculty office to another, due to admin staff’s inability to start work before midday, or simply to even give a fuck. Working in administrative and client services myself for over a year has demonstrated to me the importance of working an eight hour work day and making sure customers feel that they have your full attention. Maybe admin staff at the university need a reminder that working in a university rather than a large corporation should not mean that they are permitted to work a pissy little five-hour workday, nor does it entitle them to carry on pointless conversations with fellow staff while students wait in line to submit or collect assignments. When considering the increasing amount of administrative work that is self-administered by students via the MyUni website, it is surprising that the admin staff feel secure enough about their jobs to continue engaging in such behaviour – perhaps now is the time to consider replacing them with computers altogether?

Another area of concern is the examination facilities and the conduct of exams in general at the university. A case in point is the recent second year personality psychology exam in which students were forced to sit the exam in a bug-infested engineering room. Attendees were informed that it was too late for pest-control to arrive, or for the examination to be moved to another room. I sincerely hope that since exam staff deemed it too ‘inconvenient’ to move to another room, that markers will not have any complaints over marking multiple choice papers in which the answers are unclear due to the insects’ blood spatters all over the page.

One aspect in which the university needs to take a good long look at its level of commitment to students is in the quality of tutorials. Your official website informs me that the standard ratio is one teacher to 16.5 students. I am going to call bullshit on this. I have never once experienced a tutorial that consisted of less than twenty students, many of whom frequently struggled to have a seat or have a say. Perhaps some of the huge amounts of money that the university takes off international students or from room hire could be channelled into hiring more staff, rather than overworking the existing academic staff or squeezing more students into existing classes.

Finally, the environment of the university is generally a pleasant one, apart from the menacing wildlife that are usually allowed to stalk the grounds with impunity. Recent evidence has shown that ibii birds, in particular, were behind the spread of avian flu, the global financial crisis, 9/11, and the NSW Labor Party. Please see “Ibii implicated in recent disasters.”

When you have fully considered the suggestions I have made here, I am confident that you will work to implement them in due season. In addition, I would appreciate the opportunity to expand on any of this information at an interview. Please feel free to contact me should you wish to discuss these matters further.

Kind Regards,

Nicole Doughty


5 Reasons Why There Should Be An Ibis Cull At Sydney University

Anyone who goes to the University of Sydney must surely have noticed that there seems to have been an explosion in the ibis population, and in their level of daring, over the last year. Just the other day, one attacked me (okay, it swooped past my head in a threatening manner causing me to scream and look like an idiot). So I’m going to take an unpopular stance here and side with St Paul’s College (gasp) in arguing that there should be an ibis cull at the university, for the following reasons:

1. Ibises (henceforth ibii), have beaks that can only have been intended for one purpose: to KILL
The most immediately obvious feature of an ibis is the disgustingly horrendous long beak that protrudes from its stupid little white bulbous head. Why any bird needs a beak that resembles an unfolded coat-hanger is beyond me, and there is no other bird in the bird world that has a beak this long and thin. Therefore they are unnatural and ibii should not be allowed to exist.

2. Ibii hang around bins – gross!
You only need to walk past that alleyway dumpster in the vicinity of Wesley College (again, gross) to see that ibii have a somewhat unnatural affinity for human refuse. At any given time there are at least 5-6 ibii rummaging inside this steel container of garbage, hunting for god knows what. Other examples include the bins outside Fisher Library. I don’t care if they’re looking for food and they’re hungry, it’s disgusting and it scares me away from using bins.

3. Ibii have no social skills
There is nothing worse than sitting down to eat lunch on the square than the sudden realisation that there is an ibis stalking towards you, intent on preparing its own lunch – YOUR BRAINS. Too many times, I’ve witnessed students innocently trying to enjoy their lunch only to be interrupted by an ibis that has no idea what personal space means. Turning your back on them or yelling at them to fuck off doesn’t work; so in addition to being possibly vicious and definitely unhygienic, they’re pretty damn rude. Also Wikipedia informs me an ibis is the last of all animals to take shelter before a storm hits, and the first to reappear after it’s over, and since storms are pretty much like terrorist attacks to the bird world, ibii must be either completely retarded or totally masochistic. Or both.

4. Ibii smell like death
If you’re going to say death doesn’t smell like anything, then you’ve never sat behind an ibis while it flapped its (pointless) wings. The gust of stale air that gets blown towards you on such an occasion is enough to make you wish you’d never been born. The fact that ibii smell so unbelievably foul, even when compared to other stray animals, leads me to my next point…

5. Ibii are probably from hell
Goats and dogs have been the animals most frequently characterised as being the creatures of hell, but unfairly so. With their evilly glinting black eyes, stale-smelling bodies, dagger-beaks and insatiable need to get up close to people to scare the fuck out of them, clearly ibii are the assistants of satan. If anyone is still in doubt about ibii probably coming from the depths hell, take a look at this ‘scarlet’ (i.e. devil-coloured) ibis typically found in South America:

He probably wants to eat your first born child

He probably wants to eat your first born child

I rest my case.